Fullmetal Fanfics: Your Guide to Fanfiction!
by Opiate In Fantasy
Summary: Are you a good fanfic writer? Ha, of course not! No, just kidding. But I, the mentally challenged Opiate, am here to share my thoughts about all things about FMA fanfiction! C'mon in, enjoy some stupid jokes, and learn about fics all the while! Curse words, offensive humor, and anything stupid found inside. Viewer discretion is advised. Slight hiatus due to loss of inspiration!
1. The Intro That'll Make You Weep

_Fullmetal Fanfics: Your Handy-Dandy Notebook to all Crap FMA!_

**Warnings: **

**-If you are sensitive, I suggest you get out now. I have an awkward sense of humor, and a rather offensive one.**

**Cuss words will be abundant.**

**Spoilers for manga out the wazoo.**

**I am not going to be to serious. Expect jokes.**

**...Especially religious jokes.**

**...Yup, I smell Christians.**

**No matter what kind of jokes slip out, I am NOT racist. Especially Mexican jokes. I **_**am**_** Hispanic.**

**Well, mixed. White/Hispanic.**

**This is getting ridiculous you probably are going to rage anyway**

Yo. I'm Opiate. Critic and asshat extraordinaire. Now, first things first, you may notice that I don't have any fanfiction to speak of on my page.

So why am I writing this? Well, to put it simply, I write original short stories and some fanfics, but I keep them to myself. It's not like I'm walking into this with no experience to speak of. (Although, come on, fanfiction isn't something you need a high school diploma for, anyone can do it.) Anyways, I really do love to review stories. If you've gotten a review from me before, you know it's probably at least as big as the chapter itself. I don't hold back.

...That's why I thought I would be good at this. Basically, I'm going to write about my opinions on things like Ocs, the dreaded Mary Sues, Homunculi, and the like. However, the hardest part of anything for me is the start. That's why I am up for taking your suggestions as to what I should write on first. Send in what you think I should write on first.

The following are things I am considering:

Mary-Sues (It's inevitable in a guide like this, let's face it.)

Sues vs. Ocs: What's the difference?

The ever-so-popular FMA-Fan-in-Amestris

OOC Canon

Oc x Canon

No, that's not the same thing

Angst: How much is too much?

Dialog vs. Action

What is Love? (Baby, don't hurt me~)

Criticism vs. Cyber Bullying

This list is really fucking long why have I not just stopped I wanted ideas look at all these Jesus

…So, tell me what you want to see. I will update once a week or so depending on how I can get started. Don't worry, though. Even if no one reviews, I will update. Thanks for reading.

Opiate, signing off. Later, Gators!

**Question of the day: _What should I write about first?_**

**Leave it in the review!**


	2. The Sues are Coming

**(Note: review responses at bottom)**

_Pre-note: Sorry for being so damned late! I just never got the time to write. Whoops. I'm thinking of a double-update or something soon to make up for it; maybe a prompt or something, because I freakin' love writing._

Hey, ladies and gentlemen! Miss me? Of course you did! I'm freaking Jesus! Now, for this guide from Hell, I'm going to take down the weak link. Or take the easy target.

However the hell you word that. Fucking idioms.

***Ahem***

Now, sit down and make yourself comfortable. This lovely white-coated man would like to ask you a few questions.

Questions.. about _Mary-Sues_.

First things first: I am going to give examples. This will be longer then... er, I'll spare you the bad joke.

The following will be what we discuss in this chapter:

_What is a Sue?_

_How do I stop one?_

_Are they domesticated?_

_The Trends of a Sue_

_Sue vs. Suethor_

_FUCKING SUETHORS ASDFGHJKL;_

_There is a 50% chance I'm forgetting at least 4 things on this list_

**Section 1 of 69: What is a Sue?**

Now, before you bash me on the head for thinking you're an idiot and not knowing what a Mary Sue is, they are NOT always Sparkle-Sparkle-desu-desu-Edo-kun-I-love-you-have-my-babies-I'm-a-state-alchemist-I'm-fucking-beautiful.

Allow me to explain. A Mary Sue is simply an unrealistic character. Normally a self-insert, but not all self-inserts are Mary Sues. Now, I've found it easy to categorize the FMA Sues. I found that all the Mary-Sues I have seen fall under one of the following categories.

_**The Ed-with-tits Sue:**_

_This breed of Mary Sue is often found in the depths of Central HQ, or wherever Edward Elric is. It is confirmed to almost always be a State Alchemist and may or may not transmute w/o a circle. Normally the lover of Edward, or on rare occasions Alphonse, it is a dangerous subject and excels at Alchemy. Approach with caution, or else the Suethor will use her Desu powers to beat you. Tends to have affairs with Envy. Basically, it has all of Ed's traits, or is a long-lost-sibling of Edward (because no one likes Alphonse) and is exactly like him and they forget Al is part of the Elric family. Almost always has a tragic past._

_**The Catatonic Sue:**_

_This rare breed is kind, lovable, generous, and probably smart. Has the most Desutastic name in the universe. Ed was likely assigned to guard them for some ungodly reason by Mustang for a plot device. At first, she is harmless and can't hurt a fly. Can't fight and Ed probably is madly in love. Sucks at Alchemy, and tries to fight, but can't. Is constantly captured. May, for some reason unknown to the protagonists, be targeted by the Homunculi. Also may have strange marking(s) or sudden change in eye color when angry. This is because of her magic powers. Once she's angry, she DYSTROYS EVERYTHING HARGLEBLARGHLEKSDA. Well, that's the jist of it. Always, ALWAYS an introvert. Has the worst/best possible luck in the world, but always manages to get out without a scratch to bear witness after discharged from the hospital for a fatal wound for no reason._

_**The Emo Sue:**_

_Tough, stubborn, and easily angered. Angst is rampant. Has a horrible past, and when people find out, they automatically forgive them for their horrible behavior, because, you know, they've had such a HORRIBUU LYFE. May be an amazing fighter. There's really not much to say about this subject, It seems to do nothing but angst. _

_**The Plain Sue**_

Some random chick, with no special features or quirks, that Ed picks up because she's speshul. Probably from our world, but maybe not. If she is, she is a total fucking buff about FMA, and tries so hard to keep her secret. But, oh noes! They found out! Is she in deep shit? Of course not! Everyone loves her because she's bloody plain. Seriously, nothing about her is special. Average looking, average in everything. Although I'd have though this to be a decent thing, it's unnecessarily boring and dreary to sit through how she's 'so average' and 'oh no why herrrrr'. However, much like the Catatonic Sue, she actually is very important. Everyone loves her. Blah blah.

**Section 2 of 666: Why is a Mary Sue Bad, Anyway?**

The main reason people make these characters is because they're so great, right? What's wrong with being amazing? People in real life are all the time!

Well, here's why:

People, no matter how amazing they seem, have something dark about them that balances it out. Albert Einstein, for instance. He was a bloody brilliant man. Isn't he unbalanced? He got an amazing education to get where he is now, and-

No. No, Albert Einstein dropped out of school. He had to work the balls off of himself to get where he did. He didn't wake up to a huge mansion, surrounded by private tutors and maids, making those around him look like garbage. Why do you think that in all the pictures of him that you see in your textbooks, he's old? He wasn't calculating theories when he popped out of Momma Einstein. Plus, let's face it: He isn't too handsome. Not too many people of his time were flocking to him. And, well, he's just one example. Okay, back to what we were talking about.

Age is something extremely important with characters. It takes time to do things like that. Ed… Well, he got lucky. Papa HoHo decided to leave hundreds of years worth of Alchemy research that you can't find anywhere else (He helped fucking discover Alchemy, for Ishbala's sake), and c'mon… It's not even a nudge in the right direction for our protagonist. It's like Hoenheim was begging the poor kids to dig their nose into 'em. No one else has that kind of information. People get lucky sometimes… But it's balanced. Ed and Al got in waaaaay over their heads with the Homunculi. Plus, let's see if we can count the failures they've had. It. FUCKING. BALANCES. ARRRRRRRGH. *Ahem*

Mary Sues are bad because they directly defy freaking nature. Simple as that.

**Section 3: Hey, Look, I'm Actually Doing Something on the Fucking List**

AKA Sue vs. Suethor. What I mean, is that most Mary Sues come from a self insert. They're what the author is… but better. Maybe they got that A in Algebra you never got, or maybe your crush payed attention to them. Anything that makes your life seem a bit more interesting to yourself. Now, I for one have no problems with self-inserts. Hell, I write 'em all the time. I just don't like sharing them. I used to have a Mary-Sue-Self-Insert (Let's call 'em Sueserts for now) that was pretty much me with crazy hair and skinnier. And contacts; red-colored ones. Anyways, the problem isn't in that she's based off of me. The problem is that I decided I wasn't "good enough" or something, so I edited "Brittany" and created "Ayano" (yes, Japanese name, I wanna kill myself) to seem like I was cooler. I guess I had low self-confidence. That, I think, it the problem with making characters, mostly Sueserts. People are so wrapped up in making the character a good person or better than themselves that they forget what's important in a character, which brings me to my next point...

**Section I-Ran-Outta-Jokes: What Makes a Character 'Good', Anyway?**

One thing, and only one thing, really makes a character interesting to people... and that's being able to relate to said character. Let's take a look at everyone's favorite golden-haired, shorter-than-you protagonist: Edward Elric!

He's a pretty interesting character (to me, at least) and that's because I can sympathize with some of the challenges he faces on his journey. Maybe not the metal-limb part, or the burning-down-your-house part (not yet, at least); However, I can see some of myself in Ed. A lot of people can, because he has faults and good points in himself. Let's break down some of Ed's basic character traits:

-Stubborn

-Short-tempered

-Smart

-Reliable

-Lonely

-Secretive

-Caring

-Awkward

-Bit of a nerd

These are just a few, but a lot of people have at least one of these traits. I tend to seem obnoxious and stubborn to most people; but I really just can't interact with people properly. I'm really lonely 'cause of that, and I tend to isolate myself because I hate to burden other people with my problems and cause them grief. I'm not short-tempered, reliable, or intelligent at all, but I don't have to be because I can feel Ed's emotional and social pains. I can see myself in him, and thus can watch his interactions and thoughts with a feel like I'm also involved with the story.

Now the problem with Sues is that they aren't relatable. At all. They just - I don't even – asdfghjkl;. They have traits like undeserved guilt and absolutely gaudy happiness and I just don't have any of that. Their sob story or absolutely perfect life – it's one or the other with them – is something I can't take. I've lived a pretty... crappy life compared to other people I know, but I have the choice of eating three meals a day and school and people who care about me. Now, this isn't to say that those particular backstories are character-breaking – Good Gods, never will they be – but with the fact that people in the situations are so happy and blah blah blah and generous and smiling and all that fluffy shit even though they have to, say, take a beating from their parents every once in a while – No one can take that and still be perfectly sane and cheery. Hell, even me, a middle-high class girl with a decent life... I'm on depression and mood stabilizer pills and without them I'm completely insane and angry. To be honest, a character has to be more than happy – or even more than a happy-facade and sad on the inside – They need to be defined as more than that, or else no one will relate to them.

**Alright, that's it for now. You even got a slight look into my life, so yay. Anyways, I haven't slept in a few days so screw you all I'm sleeping.**

_**Review Responses, Joy!**_

**_LeFay Strent_: ASDFGHJKL _LEFAY STRENT_ OH MY GOD. I LOVE YOU. ;A;**

**Sorry, I got a little, erm, unprofessional. Anyway, to get a good grip on Sues vs. Ocs, it'd be smart to address Sues in general. However, I'm probably going to wait on that a bit. But I will get to it!**

_**SilenceShouting**_**: No, actually! Ha ha ha! It's a song, a meme. It's a song I like personally, actually. Much like how I think Rickroll song is a good one. (RickRoll = Never Gonna Give You Up.) I'm not too big a fan of CollegeHumor, but some of their videos make me giggle. I'll be sure to look at them later, by the way. (evil laugh goes here)**

_**Moonlit Water Sunny River: **_**Yes. I will be sure to get to that ASAP! Mary-Sues are pretty basic, though, so I decided this would be a better start. I'm happy to hear you seek advice from this shit. :D**

_**Maruki Shitoichi: **_**To put it simply: ****_*My famous awkward salute*_**

_**Couture Kitty: **_**Thank-you. ;A; Ha ha. Yeah, I tend to make jokes that I don't know people would find offensive. Don't take my insults personally, people... because I sure as hell don't.**

**_Sam_: Shhhh, go away Sam. You were talking to me on Skype when you typed this up, ya wanker.**

**Question of the Day:**

_**If you were a fiction character, do you think YOU would be considered a Sue?**_

**Leave it in the review!**

_**Post-note: Sorry for any formatting errors; OpenOffice was drunk or something, and I couldn't get it to cooperate. I'm just going to type the next chapter in Word and then paste it next time.**_


	3. FanFiction Vocab and an Awkward Tale

Alright. Let's get this party started, my loves. Oh, and you, Sam. I know you're out there. This chapter will be a bit different. I'm just going to go through terms commonly found in fanfics and words in FMA that a lot of people either don't understand or can't spell.

**There ARE spoilers in this chapter! Beware!**

Let us all pray to our lord _Lefay Strent_ for the idea of this chapter. /**cue chorus angels/**

If a term it in italics it means that it's normally classified as NSFW (shit, I gotta explain that, don't I). Not always, but mostly associated with being so.

Lastly, feel free to suggest any terms I left out.

**Section 1: General Fanfic terms**

Fanfic – Alright, PLEASE tell me you know what this is. It's short for fanfiction. If you don't know what fanfiction is, please tell me why you're here and where you are so I can hit you with the rock you live under.

OC – Short for 'Original Character'. Points to a character created by the author, and in fanfic standards, built around whatever universe said fanfic is on. Sometimes called FC, but not commonly.

OOC – _Do not confuse with OC. _OOC is short for 'Out of Character', which pretty much means that a character is acting unlike they would/should be.

Mary-Sue – If you haven't read the last chapter or have short-term memory loss, a Mary-Sue is an unbalanced character that is either unrealistic, world-breaking, or turns characters OOC.

(name)x(name) – Example: EdxWinry. It's coupling two characters together.

Canon – No, not cannon. Those are dangerous. Canon refers to an official fact, pairing, etc, about a universe that has been stated by a creator. I.E EdxWinry is canon because Arakawa has put it in the final chapter in the manga.

Canon Character – A character that has known to exist in a single fictional universe. I.E Ed, Al, Roy, and Winry are all canon characters for FMA.

(Canon name)xOC – Coupling a Canon character with an OC. Pretty self-explanatory, but just in case...

AU – Alternate Universe. Basically the canon characters in a different situation than the actual storyline. I.E, The Homunculi are human.

NSFW – Not Safe For Work. It means... er, let's just say you don't wanna get caught reading them. Probably has sexual or gory scenes.

_Yaoi – _BoyxBoy pairing. I.E, RoyxEd.

_Yuri_ – GirlxGirl pairing. I.E WinryxRiza.

_Smut – _Ze smexytiemz are had.

**Section 2: FMA-only Terms**

Alkahestry/Purification Arts – Xingese Alchemy. Mostly used for healing purposes. A lot of people actually don't know what this is. I'm not even joking...

EdWin – EdwardxWinry

Royai – RoyxRiza

RoyEd – RoyxEdward

Greed!Ling/Greedling/Greeling – All refer to after Ling is consumed by a philosopher's stone and becomes a human-made homunculus, aka Greed. Since Ling is still a conscious soul, they continue to share the same body, and thus Greedling. This is also to stop confusion when referring to the original Greed versus Greedling. Greeling is actually canon, as Edward refers to him (them?) as this, however it seems Greedling is the most common name among the fandom.

**Section 3: Spellings**

**This is going to sound juvenile, by the way, just because it's the best way I could show these spellings without confusing anyone.**

Ed/Al/Winry's hometown is spelled Risembool.

The island Ed and Al were sent to for training by Izumi is Yock Island or Jock Island. (I've seen both, however I'd go for Yock first)

Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Sloth, Greed, and Father are all beings called a 'homunculus'. Plural is homunculi.

Remember: When in doubt, Google it. If your spelling is wrong, but close enough, you'll get the actual result. I.E, looking up 'humunculus' and ending up with that condescending, bastard AI replying '_did you mean: homunculus?_'

**Section 4: The Forced Section I Wrote So This Doesn't Get Taken Down**

Since just making a list is against the rules, I shall quickly write a random short story I pulled out of my ass so there is actual content in this chapter. I call it, '_What am I Doing with My Life'_

Edward and Alphonse Elric were making their way around East Headquarters, reporting back to Colonel Mustang about Ed's very important progress on the Philosopher's Stone. As usual, said progress was nothing but another sham. He wouldn't tell the Colonel that, though; The smug bastard had enough ego flaming in his coal eyes. Before stopping at said man's office, Edward sighed, turning to his artificially tall brother.

"Al, what're we going to tell him? I mean, I'm sure as hell not giving him the satisfaction of being... _right_ again." The blonde spilled the words out of his mouth like a rare treasure he wanted for himself. Edward really hadn't wanted to admit that to anyone, not even his brother. Alphonse began to think, and quickly made up a solution. However, it wasn't quite to the elder's liking. Ed didn't hesitate to say so.

"What do you mean, tell him the truth!? Do you want to get stuck in there with me for another lecture from Colonel Sarcasm?"

And then a meteor fell on Amestris and they all died.

The end.

_Question of the Day: Any words that you can never spell right no matter what?_

_My answer: Probably then and than. I don't even know which one goes to which use. I should probably look into that._

_What's your answer? Leave it in the review!_

_**P.S. Way to lazy to respond to reviews this time around. Shhhh, don't tell anyone.**_


	4. My Inner Demons

Okay, before I say anything, after a warning from the lovely _Darkravensnight, _I thought it'd be best to retreat to DeviantART... Well, if enough people actually care for this. I'll keep this whole thing up, but I'm not going to update on here anymore. Sorry for the inconvenience! My account can be found in my account page thing. Thanks, girl!

**Section 1: I'm Gonna Regret This**

Okay, so for today... we are..._ auuuugh... _looking at my first fanfiction from 2 years ago. I didn't even think of a damned name for the thing, and asdfghjkl; I don't wanna do this. The purpose is to:

_Show how it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them_

_To show you all how much of a douche I was_

_Poke fun at bad fics like I kinda wanted to_

_Show mistakes commonly found in fics_

Also, this is a Suesert, FMA-fan-in-Amestris fic. You have been warned. (My commentary is in bold, and in parenthesis.) Let's get this over with.

I was talking to my friend, Mercedes, as I did every day. **(Okay... Where's the intro? The exposition just slapped me in the face and ran, so I missed it.) **Everyone called her 'Sadie,' Mercedes is kind of a mouthful. **(How do I relevancy) **She was listening to me (pretending to) as I kept blabbing about my favorite anime, FullMetal **(Fullmetal*)** Alchemist Brotherhood. I was nothing but an otaku **(weeaboo)** who loves FMA. My waist-length, dyed silvery-black hair gracefully flounced up and down as we walked in the halls, going to lunch. **(Watch as the wild Mary-Sue boasts about her rainbow mane, confusing her prey.) ** I kept playing with my bangs, four clumps of hair dyed green, orange and black. **(Because long-ass silver hair isn't enough!) **They normally covered my right eye, but my left eye always shone like the rubies I knew they were. **(Single eye, plural rubies)** Of course, I wore contacts. I picked a red color because I thought it looked better. **(Let's ignore how inane that is and move on. Also, silver hair and red eyes? Can anyone spell plot device?) **My school's policy doesn't allow "Contacts, clothing, or dyed hair distracting or irritating to the eye." A lot of people ignored this, though, the faculty didn't care at all. **(And this is relevant **_**because**_**...?)**We arrived at the cafeteria and I slammed my colorful assortment of school books on our lunch table. (Not to mention a lot of my manga.) I took my sketchbook with me, and my backpack was hanging off my shoulder. I had my laptop, cell phone, and my flash drive in it along with boring school stuff. And, you guessed it, A LOT of manga. **(Wow, really? Do tell, I'd like to hear more about your completely boring backpack contents. Let's go fuck around with the minor details because what is plot.)** I was wearing my favorite outfit to school today. A red plaid vest with a ruffled black skull emblem on it, a black dress shirt with elbow-length sleeves, and some red skinny jeans with black checked high-tops that went up about two or three inches. **(Relevancy. How do?)** We walked up to the Ale Cart line and she listened to me talk about my favorite character, Envy. "He murdered Hughes, but I don't care~" I chirped. "He started the Ishvalan war... But I don't care~ and I LOVE to draw him. He's so cool~! He's the hottest palm tree ever~!" "Yeah, yeah. I get it." Sadie sighed. "Let's just grab some pizza…" **(Ignoring how shallow I was, how about we put a break between speakers?) **Her blue eyes rolled around and she played with her shoulder-length dyed blue hair. I was always in love with her haircut. Her bangs just barely covered the tip of her eyes. The haircut ended just below her shoulders, and puffed out at the ends. Her clothes were all wrinkled up. She wore a plaid baby-doll top. It was black and had blue-gray skulls on it. She also has a gray skirt outlined in a frilly black lining with black tights. Her shoes were black Chuck Taylors that went up to her shins. **(Wait... wait, do you hear that? That odd noise coming from over there? That's the sound of no one giving a fuck. Seriously, this isn't relevant. Small details are fine, but don't overwhelm the reader.)**

As we were chatting away the desperate times of waiting for lunch, I heard a huge BOOM noise and my head flicked in the direction it had come from.

Suddenly, I gasped. I couldn't believe it. **(Let's forget how dull that was and feign surprise! LE GASP!)**

Before the entire eighth grade's eyes, A tan cafeteria wall, glass windows and all, came crashing down to meet the linoleum checkered floor. Two shadows emerged from the dusty rubble. A short, fat one and a taller, muscular one that had a voluminous hairstyle. It couldn't possibly be...

But it was. **(Let's just forget that said shadows are of beings from a secret organization planning to pretty much destroy a country. Nah, they don't need to cover their asses of anything.)**

Not before long, the silhouettes became clear. NO. No no no no. NO way. I must be dreaming. "There she is, Gluttony." Envy's face became cloaked in a cruel white smirk. He pointed to the lunch line I was standing at. "Those two are the ones we're looking for. Stay here, and don't eat anything… Yet." Suddenly, he bolted toward me. Whoa. _As much as I want to hug this supposed Envy, I don't think that's the best idea. But… Why does he want... ME? _**(Because you're speshul.)**I thought. **(That's the first thing I think of when I see a fictional character in my school cafeteria, naturally.)** I wish Skyler was here... He was my dearest friend. And he doubled as my boyfriend. **(Stahp. Please. RELEVANCY.) **I grabbed my pocketknife out of my jeans (I always kept one, even though it was against the main rule of no weapons. I used it's lock-picking feature more than anything else.) **(These facts affect the plot, don'tcha know?) **And I barreled across the cafeteria as he ran after me. Huffing and moving as fast as I could, I honestly thought I was dreaming. **(Okay, I really did keep a pocketknife on me, but it really isn't necessary to the story. I lose it after this chapter.)**

Before I could make it out, he caught me by my arm. Adrenaline rushed through my veins as all my fellow teenagers gaped upon what is arising. With my newly found energy, I cut him with my knife and I dashed in the other direction. **(That's real useful. Let's cut the regenerating homunculus and piss him off.) **My high-tops where NOT for running. **(Do I need to say the R-word again?)** His anger and frustration arose and he ran in pursuit me. I stopped as I ran into a wall. Backed in a corner, Envy strutted up to me with a cocky gait. **(Resisting a runway model joke, I question how he didn't catch you when he was standing in front of you 5 seconds ago.)** "W-What do you want, E-Envy?" I demanded. I tried to sound as brave as I could, but it wasn't very convincing. I held up my pocketknife in defense. "Oh, you know who I am? Oh, no~" His eyes sarcastically saddened, then his arrogant face returned. "Good. That means you know what trouble you're in." His boastful smirk stayed strong as about 115 kids were shockingly gasping and gossiping about what was happening. No thanks, guys, I don't need any help. I'm just being beaten by a hot sadistic psycho. **(Fuck the relevancy thing with the kids, but are you fucking kidding me. This isn't the time to drool over him/it. This isn't natural!)**

He took hold of my arm and violently flipped me over onto the floor, coated with dust, pieces of the wall, and glass. "I'm not allowed to kill you, but that won't stop me from having some fun~!" he sing-songed. **(Yes, let's beat the person my boss needs well and healthy for no reason. That's cool.)** It sent chills down my spine. He whipped my entire body over his shoulder, he had no problem doing it, too. A shard of glass stabbed my arm when I collided with the cold floor, and thick red blood gushed out onto the debris. My gut slammed onto the dirt and I let out a gasp and coughed up more of the revolting red liquid. I always became distressed and terrified at the sight of blood. I was already breathless. "Oh my God... Oh my God... Oh my God.. Get it Away!" I screamed in between gasps and started hyperventilating. I became frozen with fear as I gawked at my own blood, and the adrenalin rush suddenly faded away. I laid there, pinned by Envy's arms grabbing my own. He kept laughing. His laugh had cruel and unthinkable. Every chuckle he failed to stifle was like a dagger ripping through your heart. **(Magical second person. Also, yes. I was afraid of blood at one point.)**

_This isn't happening_. I thought, _this is impossible. I'm dreaming. I feel pain, but I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming. This blood isn't real. Ha-ha, it's fake blood! Please be fake..._

The cafeteria was filled with only half the kids as before. I saw backs fleeing in the distance, out of the cafeteria. It was very blurry, their shirts were almost like a glob of rainbow. The others were to petrified to move. Then, I saw tropical blue dyed hair slowly pacing toward me. "Sadie! Run away, they'll kill you!" I begged.

"I know that. I watched Brotherhood too, you know." **(IRL Sadie did not, actually. She hates it. I just wanted another plot drone) **"W-Who... cares?! Just go! They won't kill... m-me; they're not a-a-allowed to! Just GO! Take... Take everyone e-else with you!" **(I-I'm stuttering t-to ma-make i-i-it more d-dramatic)** "No. I'm not abandoning you." **(Sadie is so casual , it's like she's playing **_**Animal Crossing**_**.)**

"Wait..." Envy said, "You... Blue-haired girl…" Oh, No. He better not hurt my best friend… I will personally rip his hair out. "Why don't you come quietly, or maybe I'll beat the tar out of you like your friend here." His grin grew even larger, to my surprise. "Don't touch her! I swear-" "What?" Envy asked, mockingly frowning in an insulted fashion, "What would you do if I hurt your pitiful human 'friend'? You seem powerless in the situation." **(I really don't remember why I wrote that so… dramatic?)** "Then... I-I-I'll kill... myself! So...So will Sadie! Then you'll g-go home e-e-empty-handed!" ** (Boy, you sure got over that blood fast.) **Sadie gazed at me with a face that said, _"Are you INSANE?!" _Than, **(Okay, even**_** I**_** know that's the wrong then/than!)** she realized I was bluffing and went on with the plan. "Agreed." She claimed, "Than you'll visit your Father with no candidates. What'll happen then, you ugly palm tree?" Envy paused. His expression morphed into a furious stare, but he let Mercedes' comment slide. Than, he turned and stared at me, I swear I saw the smallest dart of fear in his strong violet eyes. **(Okay, I am seriously freaked out about how much I talked about Envy's face. It's messed up.) **Before he got a chance to get back to business, I squirmed out of his pin, grabbed my knife and I ran. I noticed that I somehow still held my sketchbook. How miraculous. **(Impossible, my dear 11/12-year-old self. But I guess that's obvious, yeah? Backpack's still there, ****too, I think.) **I grabbed Sadie's hand and she fled with me. "Also, if I see one person missing from this school..." I threatened, "This'll b-be the last time you'll see us alive!" I don't know if he realized I was still bluffing, but he and Gluttony ran after us anyways.** (He's just a little more focused on his actual goal than bloodshed. **_**That**_** comes when he's bored.)** I'm still really, really scarred from the blood. I'll forever be terrified of that insane, file fluid. But I need to keep running. **(Oh, there it is! It's at the bottom of that barrel over there!) **I'm nauseous from just thinking about it... Sadie took a shard of glass on the floor and chucked it back, hoping it would slow them down.

It did, not by much though, it hit Envy and he just pulled it out and ran. He was madder than before. Mercedes took my sketchbook and stuffed it into her jacket. **(Sketchbooks fit in jackets, yeah?)**

I kept running and running, not sure where to go, but I ran out of the cafeteria and outside, where the trailers are. My light backpack was still clinging onto my shoulder for dear life. I bolted into Mrs. Baylor's classroom, unsure where to go next. She was very kind, so I felt uneasy bringing her into this. I locked her door behind me. "Britt? Sadie?" she asked. "What are you doing here?" She looked at my left arm and my legs, covered with blood. "What happened to you?!" **(Ask, don't help)** "No time to explain," I heaved, "Just listen to me-" "Knock knock, let me come in~" Envy sang, "I've been looking for you." "If there's anyone else in there, can I eat them?" Gluttony asked in a childish tone. "Yes. Snack on whoever else is in the room." I stopped. Mrs. Baylor had to leave. NOW.

Suddenly, a loud BAM! Came from the door. Than another. "Mrs. Baylor," I pleaded, "Go hide. Go next door in the math classroom. These people are dangerous." (All the trailers had 3 doors. One for students to enter, one leading to next door, and one leading into the back field.) **(This. Isn't NEEDED!)** BAM! "But what about you?" "They can't kill us. The person who sent them here for us- they need us alive. So just go!" BAM! The door was on its breaking point. It cracked. Mrs. Baylor ran into the other classroom. **(Because helping kids is a no-no.)**

Sadie dragged me out of the room, out of the other door that lead outside.

I began to feel dizzy. The huge shard of glass in my arm and the other debris and glass that caught on my legs... I'd lost to **(too)** much blood. **(This didn't occur to you before? What, was the blood waiting for the drama to end first?) **Mercedes kept lugging me and from the distance we were at from the trailer, we actually heard the door come crashing down. Envy must be extremely irritated. My pace slowed bit by bit as I lost more and more blood. I was panicking as Sadie scrambled across the lush green field behind the trailers, dragging me. "Sadie... _Mercedes_...!" I gasped, "I'm losing to much blood..." I stumbled across the landscape and it seem I took to many twists, and lost Envy and Gluttony. **(Wait, what?) **I looked like a huge gory mess, I was wounded from my neck to my toes. I think I broke a rib, **(I can't tell if I was exaggerating or really stupid.) **and Sadie was injured, too. I think it was just minor. It was hard to tell with my vision going blurry.** (I'm more important; give me more wounds!)**

Mercedes and I skidded around a corner where a black projectile bulleted toward us. It suddenly stopped in front of Sadie's forehead. I started feeling more lightheaded than before. I fell to my knees with dizziness. Then, a pale women in a long gown stood before me.

'_Oh crap… Please, God no…!'_ I thought, '_Crap! I've lost to much blood to run away…' _**(Aw, shit nigga, you be fucked now.) **As I suspected, Lust stood before me. I saw an un-amused look in her plum eyes. Envy and Gluttony had arrived in the action, standing behind us. (**Why was Gluttony here, anyways? Certainly not to look pretty.) **Envy's face had turned from a concerned frown, back to his cocky and conceded smirk. He grabbed my pocketknife out of my jeans before my mind even considered using it. **(Told you.)**

We were cornered. **(Just like all my first dates.)**

I felt feeble and pathetic. Sadie turned around, only to see Envy throwing a fist at her face. She slowly fell to her knees, then on her stomach, laying down. She had been knocked out. **(Captain obvious to the RESCUE!) **Afterwards, I slowly blacked out. I had lost way to much blood from the bloody foot-long gash in my arm. **(Again, not sure if exaggerating.) **The last thing I saw was Envy, who had his amused grin on, staring down at me, sarcastically waving.

What had we gotten ourselves into? **(Tell me about it.)**

Oh good gods. That was painful.

Anyway, now you know what chaos I went through to make it here today. And hell, I know that in 10 years, I'll be looking at this, ashamed of myself. So here's just a random 'hey, let's go fuck over my old self by showing how everything here is wrong!' Moving on, this really is a compiliation of what NOT to do in a first chapter. Like, fo' shizzles. There's not really much else to say.

See you next time!

_Questions of the day:_

_Ever looked back on an old work you made and sobbed?_

_Do you think I should keep this running on DeviantART?_

_My answer:_

_Clearly._

_Hell if I know._


End file.
